New Euphemism

So, while I’ll be referring to them less and less. I’ve decided on a new Euphemism for The False Prophet and The Whore.

From here on in, if I find it necessary to refer to them, the will be known as Jim and Tammy Faye.

Slightly higher vibration.
Funny.
And either way, they would be offended.
Both are important to me!

My Dad Dream

So, my dad has been gone now for over five months. It was all kind of sad, really.

My step-sisters. Again, all kind of sad. There sure were times when I wished they were gone from my life. And then I realized as my dad was failing, that we had reached a fork in the road and that decision is mine.

They were in my life way longer than they weren’t in it. And I figured that they’d always be there.

Don’t get me wrong. Not really any love loss there. Their daddy left them when they were small and was gone for like 7 years. 7 years they didn’t know if he was alive or dead. And it fucked them up. They each have their personality difficulties.

Over the years, I did do various things to really try to help them out. And to varying degrees I always got screwed over. But I acknowledge now, that at the time, it wasn’t as though they had asked me for help. I had sort of forced it on them. Therefore, nothing was appreciated the way I thought it should be; and now I understand why. But the truth is that I really can’t think of anything they ever did for me. I’m sure there must have been something.

I was close to each of them at various times. The youngest one had her shit together more so than the other 2, and we used to get along pretty well. She lived with me once, and then lived near me also. When I went to my hometown I’d visit her at her house with her 1st husband. We always had fun.

She went to Texas for a little while, but didn’t make it there and returned to the family home.

The family home.

I understand a lot about energetics now; things I didn’t understand many years ago. When my step-mom was first sick, I’d spend some time there at night. And I remember that I wouldn’t sleep there without my shoes on. I didn’t have the language for it, but I needed to be able to get out in a hurry if necessary. There is just something wrong there.

The last time I saw my dad, (and every other time I was there since I moved south) I’d sit outside his house and have a little talk with myself, about how it wasn’t going to matter what I said, no one would take it seriously, so put a lid on it about the energetics there. Because there is something very wrong there. 

The youngest step still lived there. Actually, my dad sold her the house a few years ago so as part of an estate management thing. Since the day my dad introduced me to them, I basically had to have a relationship with them to see him. When I moved to NC, for some reason, the youngest step got increasingly pissed at me. The first time I was back she said something about her resenting that I’d moved. It was probably an abandonment thing. I get it.

But that didn’t mean it was fun. She ruined every trip I made up there.

When she moved back to that house, something happened to her. I know it’s the house because her mom used to act the same way there. All crazy eyes and scream. Holy shit they could scream. The resemblance was so uncanny that it was hard to take. She was totally batshit crazy; in a way she never was when she didn't live there. So much unhappiness in that house. So much pain. Something always wrong; very wrong. Children unhappy. Adults unhappy or gravely ill. 

And there is definitely something wrong with the house. Last time I was there, after having that little talk with myself, she started to go off on her dad because he wouldn’t set foot in her house, saying there was something bad there. And she just wouldn’t let it rest.

And I ended up opening my mouth and essentially agreeing with her dad. I mean the fact is, 4 cases of cancer came out of that house, and three of them slept in the same area. With what I know, I know that is not coincidence. What can I say? I'd just driven 15 hours straight through alone. And I certainly could have been more skillful......

Oh, holy shit, did she just lose her mind. She was so much so that a few months later when my dad got sick, she didn’t call me to tell me because she was still so mad at me. My dad had been in the hospital for a week; sick longer. And she didn't call me because her feelings were hurt about a house. A house.

The middle child figured it out and called me. The middle child is my current favorite. She got all sober, where sobriety became her new addiction, and she was decidedly less fun, but still. And she called me the night before, and made sure that I talked to dad. I will always be grateful for that.

And I may always despise the youngest for what she did. It was one of the reasons that I held off going up there, was because I didn’t want to cause drama.

I’m not really sure how to get over that one. She might be the next forgiveness letter I have to write.

And anyway. The other night I had my first dream about my dad.

We were at his old shop, where my nephew lives now. And dad was talking about trying to rent the place, and I asked, well, doesn’t john still live here? Well, he did, but he died.

And I felt just terrible that no one told me. The middle child is his mother, so….But again, it wasn’t real, but it did bring me to the place of asking again. To be or not to be?

I’d have a relationship with the middle child, easily. I probably even could with the oldest, it’s just that it’s a lot of work to always know where your purse is at every minute when you are with her. If you don’t walk around with your bag clutched to your chest, you could pay dearly.

But the youngest. Sometimes people do things that alter a relationship forever. And she might have done that. I’ve seen the middle child several times where and not the youngest. And I could do that, it’s just that to leave her out feels really polarizing, and I think that it’s important that they be sisters; something they have always sucked at. And I care more about the youngest one’s feelings than I do about having a relationship with the middle child. Hard call.

I live 15 hours away from them, so it’s not like it’s this immediate thing….. but I do not know what the right decision is. Sometimes, especially since dad died and that was really hard, sometimes I miss her. But for now just have to let it be.

My System Purging; Getting All Literal and Shit

Wrote the post this morning about the ridiculous notion I had of sending a forgiveness email, and then I went back to sleep.

I had a dream about them.

I was somewhere and FP was there. I ignored him. And then he said hello to me. Some vague chit-chat ensued.

FP says to me. Could you be sure and water the plants?

Me: I have been watering the plants.

FP: Even the big ones? I look and I do not recognize the big plants.

Me: No I guess I didn’t water the big plants….Ah….I don’t work for you anymore.

Then suddenly the W is there. Don’t remember what she said, but it was in the tone and mannerism that compared to whoever in the fuck she turned into that weekend/Monday morning.

Me: You really are not a nice person. (Sorry to say that I still have fantasies of smashing her face into something. I really hope that stops.)

Some bickering began; I don’t remember what was said. Just bitchy icky stuff.

The next time I see FP, he is in a wheelchair.

Woke up with that icky feeling that I used to get when I realized that it was Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday) Thursdays were okay because Thursdays were my Fridays. My whole life was like that. Some days worst than others. Because they didn’t work in the office it was easier to ignore; and that was a lot of freedom, being alone in that office. I did a really good job. I did the job of 2 people for a long time. Then after they hired help, it was still like doing the job of 2 people, only with someone else in the way. Until my daring girlfriend came to work for me. She was awesome. 

That sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it went really well for us. It’s how I know we can work together again.

It’s been almost 5 months. I anticipate that more time will go by between involuntary thoughts of the whole situation. I’m looking forward to that.

In a Hurry to Forgive

Fuck that.

Okay. Anything I am about to say applies directly to me also in the “what the fuck were you thinking” way, as in, I stayed there, knowing that they were both out of their minds. I didn’t realize the extent to which neither of them are good people. They are actually very bad people. They are the worst kind of bad people, the wolves in sheep’s clothing people, purporting themselves to be these highly evolved beings when in fact they are total dicks.

If I had sent a forgiveness letter, such as I was contemplating, before my sister gave me pause long enough to think about what I was about to do, I think I’d be committing myself to a mental facility today.

I think that the person that I’m in a hurry to forgive is: Myself.

I gave 4.5 years of very loyal service to these people. And in the end, over a hissy fit she had over something that she caused by not paying attention, by not being responsible, by not caring about anyone but herself, she engineered my firing specifically to deflect from what a dumb bitch she was. She knew that she had really fucked up and instead of facing what she did and acting like a human being, she stirred him all up to make sure she never really had to answer for what she did. I regret fixing their accounting that day. She should have had to do that herself. 

And him. Okay, I put up with a lot of bullshit from this man. More than I should have. I didn’t just silently take it, mind you, but the fact that I had a brain and a mouth did cause me more problems there than it helped me. And Mr. “Oh My Fucking God, This Price Sticker Put In That Location (that has been there for 1.5 years, sitting out in plain sight” Is The Worst Possible Thing That Could Happen To Me At A Time Like This". Call nine-eleven. My first day of work I put that sticker there. You know, dickhead, the day 2 of your "closest friends" came to me saying, paraphrasing: you look like a reasonable person, this is how you're going to deal with this situation. Yeah, I know, Danger, Warning in Neon, which I ignored. 

So, this fucker, who I tried really hard to help, I tried really hard to support, fires me in the most cruel way possible over something she did. I still can’t believe it.

Even with all the relationships I saw him destroy, I still cannot believe that he did that to me. The two of them did not care if I ended up homeless because of her hissy fit. Seriously? It frightens me that they are raising children.

Part of me always thought this: He thought that by divorcing her that he would be washing all the gray right out of his hair. Where, in fact, his biggest pain in the ass became a bigger pain in his ass when he left her. He didn’t think it all the way through. When you have children, there is really no such thing as divorce. And when, on top of that you are business partners (on paper, certainly not in reality) there is a double whammy of, I CANNOT GET RID OF THIS RIDICULOUS WOMAN. And sometimes I think that when he realized that she was in his life to stay, and that she didn’t have his best interests at heart, that he thought with regards to me; well, this mouth I can get rid of.

With her. There is just no excuse. I really hope that I never run into her in public. I don't need that karma.

And I do forgive myself. I see now that due to the tumultuous life I grew up in, chaos of a ridiculous nature is something that I adapt to, and probably end up thinking is my fault, and thus, think I can fix it. Nothing could have fixed my parents. Nothing could fix PF&W.

I really think that I’ve got it now!

So, thank you sis, for bringing me to my senses.

Imagine My Surprise...

Had a really lovely day today. Calm. Sweet. My sister and her wife visited and they brought a delicious lunch.

And a little while after they left, I signed on to the bank account to see what had cleared and determine if I needed to move any money.

And imagine my surprise and delight when there was a deposit in there for $5800.

I guess that means I won!

I spoke to my sister and she expressed some reasons I should not actually send the forgiveness letter. I wasn't sure I agreed with her, that she might be taking things from the past and attributing them when they don't apply to today, but it did give me pause to wait a bit.

I was working on my gratitude journal when it occurred to me that it was all well and good for me to get to a place of forgiveness, but, there were two things.

1) I cannot control how it is received on the other end, and I'd rather not send it than to have it be misconstrued in any way. And..

2) I can forgive him for what he did to me, what he allowed to happen, but I do not under any circumstances condone what he did to my girlfriend, who is the sweetest soul on the planet. That shit right there....he doesn't get a pass for that. With that, there is no blaming the wife.

So. I wish them well. I'm really fucking glad not to have to deal with them anymore. Ever. That is the best feeling yet.

When I read the things that she wrote about that morning, things they both agreed upon...it was so crazy and I felt soooo bad....and  I realized my whole life used to be like that.

Not any more.

I am so grateful for the validation, vindication and that it's finally over.

And Now Folks, For My Next Trick

Today could not have been more perfect.

I've been working really hard at being conscious with my energy, keeping it high. Learning this new trick about staying connected to source as often as possible, and especially when life knocks you on your ass.

And I gotta tell you...Life Changers. It can be pretty easy to do when all things run smoothly. But that's now how life operates, right? As soon as you learn this lesson, just like in school, you get a test. It's how you do on the test that matters, not all the books you've read or things you've tried. It's how you retain, process and practice the information, especially when experiencing "test anxiety".

So two days ago, on the advice of a program that I'm working with, I was strongly advised to write letters of forgiveness. They were the kind of letters that you don't have to send. Hmmm.

And of course, who is at the top of that list? That's right: FP & W.

It was hard at first, but I did it. I was really sincere also. I mean, I wouldn't want to be either of them for a minute, so, yes, I could find compassion and I could find forgiveness.

So, seriously. Just when I finished the letters to FP&W, I put the pad of paper down and opened my computer to find that I'd manifested a $900 program that I really wanted (FOR FREE); that is a financial life changer for me. Shit. I think I cried. And I'm like, Yeah! this works!

So I'm doing Qi Gong, when suddenly this wave of energy comes over me, making me kind of sick and I had to sit down. Since I was sitting down, I opened my computer to find a notice from my lawyer and the FP&W asked for a continuance because they just found out about the hearing and don't have time to prepare. Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

Which, translated from "the language of the whore" means she hasn't been paying attention and wasn't looking at her mail. So, seriously, this entire problem here stemmed from the fact that she cannot be bothered to do her job, and everybody else, including the state government should be just rearrange their priorities to suit her. It was the epitome of the whole situation.

I was so upset. Thought I was going to have a heart attack. I had to sit down and write those damn letters again. I did it all over again and got myself back to a good place. And this time I wrote letters to others on that list as well. It was incredibly freeing and I figured out some good stuff doing them.

When I arrive at the lawyers office today she started by saying, I've never seen a continuance NOT be granted when they ask. Like giving me warning to not loose my shit.  I had a few moments, right? But I did that connect to source thing again.....

Lucky for me,  the W isn't really very smart. She admitted that she had received the notification that a hearing was coming up, so seriously, woman, that is your clue to GET YE PREPARED.

So, at the scheduled time of the hearing, the adjudicator calls my attorney to say that she (W) asked, again, for a continuance, because her daughter had an appointment, so she couldn't be there.

(Nothing against the child, she is really lovely, but if you knew how much my working life revolved around that child you would be shocked. So this was really priceless. I used to call her The President of All Things.)

The adjudicator left her a message saying, if it's not medical, then you need to be there by 2pm or we will continue without you.

Which would totally rock for me. I said to my attorney, that if the appointment thing was true, she would have mentioned that the other day when she originally asked for the continuance. It was becoming clear that she wasn't prepared to personally defend all the lies she told and the havoc she wrecked towards innocent people.

Plus, um, the child has two parents. The FP could have easily done the kiddie thing. Right. And the "appointment "wasn't medical, it was school. The kid is 5.

So. 2pm, they call back, and FP is actually on the line. First of all: Gulp. He has admitted that they actually have the paperwork, but that his "staff" hadn't opened the mail in a week. And by staff not opening the mail, he means, this is the reason I'm divorcing the W.

Which, again, means the W didn't look at the mail. DIDN'T LOOK AT THE MAIL. I have to keep saying it over and over because that epitomizes the entire 4.5 years of my experience with them.

So, the adjudicator goes, um, NO, I'm not granting a continuance because your staff didn't open your mail. And you FP can stay on the line or you can go, up to you, but you do not have first hand knowledge of what happened, so you won't be testifying. And FP rang off. Quite gracefully. Thank you thank you thank you. Bye bye, now.

I was so happy. Surreal hearing his voice. And so happy to have him off that phone.

So the entire thing was really whittled down to not complicated at all. I didn't have to say bad things about them, which I wanted more than anything. It's the reason I hired an attorney, so at least bad stuff I'd have to say would be productive. It's not so much to protect them, because frankly, fuck that. But it was for my own integrity. My own karma. I need the Karma Credit!

And I don't know yet if I won, but I believe I may have.

And I am so grateful for these life lessons. I mean, my life will never be the same.

I toyed with the idea of writing a letter of forgiveness. I mean the kind you do send. At first I thought to both of them, but there was no way that any actual letter to her wouldn't have a note of passive/aggressiveness in it, and I don't wont to do that. And I also won't give her the satisfaction. But the truth of the matter is that the W really fucked FP over with this whole thing. I guess that she doesn't want him to have any support at all. And she is not smart enough to see that impacts her income. That thing she is trying so desperately to protect.

I'm sleeping on the forgiveness letter. It would be also a thank you letter. I learned so much from him, and I don't mean the things he teaches. The letter to him would be genuine.

But gotta sleep on that.

I think I should go stand on the scale and see what I weigh with the weight of the world off my shoulders.

Okay, I'm hooked on high energy. Energy Crack.

Today's the day

Going to meditate to stop the strong desire to vomit.