The Beginning of Time

Ha. 

I have so many journals, over several decades that started out with a title very similar to this one where I feel as though I'm starting over, usually due to some life event(s). I usually don't even mention the event(s), as though, at the time I thought I'd never forget, and I came to realize that it doesn't really matter. The point is that I've had the same essential problems I've had for decades. Different people, different places, sure, but as Tanya Tuckers says you Can't Run From Yourself. 

Yup, no matter where I go, there I am....

This one is the Mother of life changing events, it seems. Like the Universe really wanted to bitch slap me my attention  because the one thing that I have proven is that I can ignore the completely obvious. For really long periods of time. Any one of these events happening individually would have been challenging, but the series of events were a lot for me. But here I am on the other side, better than ever but a work in progress. (And facing the fact that it will always be this way.) Still taking baby steps, but just about ready to let go of the coffee table and hurl myself towards the next piece of furniture to grab on to. 

Because it's not a story I'm clinging to anymore, the series of events, minus most of the gory details were as such: 

I was in the middle of moving...

When my dad got ill.

My dad died.

My first full day back to work after this I got fired. 

Then the day my mom went into the hospital for the final time...

I found out that my ex-employers were fighting my unemployment.

My mom died. 

On the two month anniversary of the death of my mother:

My ex-bosses fired my partner. 

You know, I started to actually go through the details about each and every thing that happened here, but true progress is evident in that I don't even want to give any of them energy. Maybe someday for my memoirs, but not today. That's big!

I've realized so many things about myself during this period of time; it's been 4.5 months since The Rest Of My Life got put into motion. 

There have been some things that I have had to realize about myself over and over again during my almost 55 years. The truth is that I'm thankful that some of these events happened, just like they have unfolded. There have been moments when I wanted to say: Thanks Universe for all the life lessons and shit, but I really could have done without all the pain. 

But unfortunately, that's just not true!

The truth is that I've put up with ridiculous amounts of pain in my lifetime, even during times when I thought I'd reached this more enlightened state. Bahahaha. If you only knew!

At the end of 2006, I left a 12 year relationship that I knew was wrong in the first month. Go ahead, try to top that bit of stupid! 

(That first month there was a major melt-down-freak-out because when I moved in...I'd brought another type of soap into the shower. BECAUSE THE WORLD WILL END WITH 2 TYPES OF SOAP IN THERE. I did not know this.) I'd never taken this kind of crap in a relationship before. Have a man cross my very clear lines and he was history. But this was my first relationship with a woman and I was completely ill-equipped. I have no excuse for this except that a Super Hero always believes she can change things. I was a tights-wearing, cape-bearing Super Hero at the time, and I hadn't begun to realize the error of my ways. By the end of that relationship, I revoked my own Super Hero degree; and that Super Hero outfit? I burned that motherfucker up.

At the time that relationship ended, I really started to embark on a more holistic path, really trying to understand my brain and all its silly antics. I was actually getting pretty good at keeping my energy high and being positive. It was a journey, a little side trip. 

I relocated to NC where my sister lived, and nothing turned out the way I thought it would. 

The last time my energy was consistently high was July of 2008. That was the month that I went to work for the ex-boss and his ridiculous soon-to-be-ex-wife.