Almost Over

I've been making a crucial error in waiting for it to be over before moving full steam ahead with my life and my plans.

I have recognized this and have taken measures to stop that. What I end up doing or not doing will be the same regardless of how it turns out next week.

In preparation for the legal proceedings next week, I've come to realize just how incredibly ridiculous the False Prophet and the Whore are. Were. They still are, but it no longer affects me. Were.

In the beginning (or the end, depending on how you look at it) I was stunned at the lengths they were going to to hurt me. I really still don't understand it. Besides the fact that they are fucking assholes, it's also the Universe's way of kicking my ass.

But it also doesn't fucking matter. Because ridiculous is ridiculous no matter how you look at it. And the farther away I get the more ridiculous it looks.

My overwhelming emotion about it right now is shame. I am so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to stay in that crazy environment for as long as I did. I wish I'd had the energy at the end of the day to start my future on my own terms. But, that didn't happen.

It's stunning to me that I allowed the dysfunction of my childhood to keep me in place in two of the most ridiculous situations. Knowing I'll never do that again is super empowering.

Most of the people that I've met here are connected to them in one way or another. There are a couple of people that I wish I could keep as friends; they would certainly allow it. But I truly just can't make my heart commit. Maybe I'll feel differently after the legal stuff is done. Right now I don't want anyone to have to monitor their conversations with FP&W. So, on an campaign to make new friends. I'm starting with as many metaphysical folks and lesbianna's as I can find.

I'm feeling quite stuck in my life right now. Really giving into my fears. Not proud of that. The slightest thing can knock me down, and I'm so tired of picking myself back up off the ground, I can't even tell you. I'm working on it, from several different angles, and I know I'll get there. One of the reasons that the compulsion to wait until it's over is because I really just need this to be over. With this dragging out for so long, I don't even know how many times I've had to get over it and over it and over. I'm OVER THAT.

This is what I think. When the bullshit is finally at the end, I'm going to turn into a super-machine moving forward like a locomotive.

This week, I had to take paperwork to my attorney, and I finally read what they wrote and I was back at square one, emotionally speaking. But I also realized what an opportunity this was for me. When you are making personal changes for yourself, one thing is true. The Universe gives you ample opportunity to hone that skill. And all in all, despite everything, I've done pretty well this week. When I tuned into how badly I felt when I read their ridiculous shit, their emotional jumping up and down, their obvious projection of all of their faults onto others, it made me remember: my whole like used to be like that nearly every day.

When the day finally comes, I'm going to just stay connected to the Universal Source, make my energy be as big as I can, and I'm going to be calm and collected. I think that they are going to look ridiculous. That's what I think. I mean to the rest of the people involved, not just me.

So. Keeping it high.