New Euphemism

So, while I’ll be referring to them less and less. I’ve decided on a new Euphemism for The False Prophet and The Whore.

From here on in, if I find it necessary to refer to them, the will be known as Jim and Tammy Faye.

Slightly higher vibration.
Funny.
And either way, they would be offended.
Both are important to me!

My Dad Dream

So, my dad has been gone now for over five months. It was all kind of sad, really.

My step-sisters. Again, all kind of sad. There sure were times when I wished they were gone from my life. And then I realized as my dad was failing, that we had reached a fork in the road and that decision is mine.

They were in my life way longer than they weren’t in it. And I figured that they’d always be there.

Don’t get me wrong. Not really any love loss there. Their daddy left them when they were small and was gone for like 7 years. 7 years they didn’t know if he was alive or dead. And it fucked them up. They each have their personality difficulties.

Over the years, I did do various things to really try to help them out. And to varying degrees I always got screwed over. But I acknowledge now, that at the time, it wasn’t as though they had asked me for help. I had sort of forced it on them. Therefore, nothing was appreciated the way I thought it should be; and now I understand why. But the truth is that I really can’t think of anything they ever did for me. I’m sure there must have been something.

I was close to each of them at various times. The youngest one had her shit together more so than the other 2, and we used to get along pretty well. She lived with me once, and then lived near me also. When I went to my hometown I’d visit her at her house with her 1st husband. We always had fun.

She went to Texas for a little while, but didn’t make it there and returned to the family home.

The family home.

I understand a lot about energetics now; things I didn’t understand many years ago. When my step-mom was first sick, I’d spend some time there at night. And I remember that I wouldn’t sleep there without my shoes on. I didn’t have the language for it, but I needed to be able to get out in a hurry if necessary. There is just something wrong there.

The last time I saw my dad, (and every other time I was there since I moved south) I’d sit outside his house and have a little talk with myself, about how it wasn’t going to matter what I said, no one would take it seriously, so put a lid on it about the energetics there. Because there is something very wrong there. 

The youngest step still lived there. Actually, my dad sold her the house a few years ago so as part of an estate management thing. Since the day my dad introduced me to them, I basically had to have a relationship with them to see him. When I moved to NC, for some reason, the youngest step got increasingly pissed at me. The first time I was back she said something about her resenting that I’d moved. It was probably an abandonment thing. I get it.

But that didn’t mean it was fun. She ruined every trip I made up there.

When she moved back to that house, something happened to her. I know it’s the house because her mom used to act the same way there. All crazy eyes and scream. Holy shit they could scream. The resemblance was so uncanny that it was hard to take. She was totally batshit crazy; in a way she never was when she didn't live there. So much unhappiness in that house. So much pain. Something always wrong; very wrong. Children unhappy. Adults unhappy or gravely ill. 

And there is definitely something wrong with the house. Last time I was there, after having that little talk with myself, she started to go off on her dad because he wouldn’t set foot in her house, saying there was something bad there. And she just wouldn’t let it rest.

And I ended up opening my mouth and essentially agreeing with her dad. I mean the fact is, 4 cases of cancer came out of that house, and three of them slept in the same area. With what I know, I know that is not coincidence. What can I say? I'd just driven 15 hours straight through alone. And I certainly could have been more skillful......

Oh, holy shit, did she just lose her mind. She was so much so that a few months later when my dad got sick, she didn’t call me to tell me because she was still so mad at me. My dad had been in the hospital for a week; sick longer. And she didn't call me because her feelings were hurt about a house. A house.

The middle child figured it out and called me. The middle child is my current favorite. She got all sober, where sobriety became her new addiction, and she was decidedly less fun, but still. And she called me the night before, and made sure that I talked to dad. I will always be grateful for that.

And I may always despise the youngest for what she did. It was one of the reasons that I held off going up there, was because I didn’t want to cause drama.

I’m not really sure how to get over that one. She might be the next forgiveness letter I have to write.

And anyway. The other night I had my first dream about my dad.

We were at his old shop, where my nephew lives now. And dad was talking about trying to rent the place, and I asked, well, doesn’t john still live here? Well, he did, but he died.

And I felt just terrible that no one told me. The middle child is his mother, so….But again, it wasn’t real, but it did bring me to the place of asking again. To be or not to be?

I’d have a relationship with the middle child, easily. I probably even could with the oldest, it’s just that it’s a lot of work to always know where your purse is at every minute when you are with her. If you don’t walk around with your bag clutched to your chest, you could pay dearly.

But the youngest. Sometimes people do things that alter a relationship forever. And she might have done that. I’ve seen the middle child several times where and not the youngest. And I could do that, it’s just that to leave her out feels really polarizing, and I think that it’s important that they be sisters; something they have always sucked at. And I care more about the youngest one’s feelings than I do about having a relationship with the middle child. Hard call.

I live 15 hours away from them, so it’s not like it’s this immediate thing….. but I do not know what the right decision is. Sometimes, especially since dad died and that was really hard, sometimes I miss her. But for now just have to let it be.

My System Purging; Getting All Literal and Shit

Wrote the post this morning about the ridiculous notion I had of sending a forgiveness email, and then I went back to sleep.

I had a dream about them.

I was somewhere and FP was there. I ignored him. And then he said hello to me. Some vague chit-chat ensued.

FP says to me. Could you be sure and water the plants?

Me: I have been watering the plants.

FP: Even the big ones? I look and I do not recognize the big plants.

Me: No I guess I didn’t water the big plants….Ah….I don’t work for you anymore.

Then suddenly the W is there. Don’t remember what she said, but it was in the tone and mannerism that compared to whoever in the fuck she turned into that weekend/Monday morning.

Me: You really are not a nice person. (Sorry to say that I still have fantasies of smashing her face into something. I really hope that stops.)

Some bickering began; I don’t remember what was said. Just bitchy icky stuff.

The next time I see FP, he is in a wheelchair.

Woke up with that icky feeling that I used to get when I realized that it was Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday) Thursdays were okay because Thursdays were my Fridays. My whole life was like that. Some days worst than others. Because they didn’t work in the office it was easier to ignore; and that was a lot of freedom, being alone in that office. I did a really good job. I did the job of 2 people for a long time. Then after they hired help, it was still like doing the job of 2 people, only with someone else in the way. Until my daring girlfriend came to work for me. She was awesome. 

That sounds like a recipe for disaster, but it went really well for us. It’s how I know we can work together again.

It’s been almost 5 months. I anticipate that more time will go by between involuntary thoughts of the whole situation. I’m looking forward to that.

In a Hurry to Forgive

Fuck that.

Okay. Anything I am about to say applies directly to me also in the “what the fuck were you thinking” way, as in, I stayed there, knowing that they were both out of their minds. I didn’t realize the extent to which neither of them are good people. They are actually very bad people. They are the worst kind of bad people, the wolves in sheep’s clothing people, purporting themselves to be these highly evolved beings when in fact they are total dicks.

If I had sent a forgiveness letter, such as I was contemplating, before my sister gave me pause long enough to think about what I was about to do, I think I’d be committing myself to a mental facility today.

I think that the person that I’m in a hurry to forgive is: Myself.

I gave 4.5 years of very loyal service to these people. And in the end, over a hissy fit she had over something that she caused by not paying attention, by not being responsible, by not caring about anyone but herself, she engineered my firing specifically to deflect from what a dumb bitch she was. She knew that she had really fucked up and instead of facing what she did and acting like a human being, she stirred him all up to make sure she never really had to answer for what she did. I regret fixing their accounting that day. She should have had to do that herself. 

And him. Okay, I put up with a lot of bullshit from this man. More than I should have. I didn’t just silently take it, mind you, but the fact that I had a brain and a mouth did cause me more problems there than it helped me. And Mr. “Oh My Fucking God, This Price Sticker Put In That Location (that has been there for 1.5 years, sitting out in plain sight” Is The Worst Possible Thing That Could Happen To Me At A Time Like This". Call nine-eleven. My first day of work I put that sticker there. You know, dickhead, the day 2 of your "closest friends" came to me saying, paraphrasing: you look like a reasonable person, this is how you're going to deal with this situation. Yeah, I know, Danger, Warning in Neon, which I ignored. 

So, this fucker, who I tried really hard to help, I tried really hard to support, fires me in the most cruel way possible over something she did. I still can’t believe it.

Even with all the relationships I saw him destroy, I still cannot believe that he did that to me. The two of them did not care if I ended up homeless because of her hissy fit. Seriously? It frightens me that they are raising children.

Part of me always thought this: He thought that by divorcing her that he would be washing all the gray right out of his hair. Where, in fact, his biggest pain in the ass became a bigger pain in his ass when he left her. He didn’t think it all the way through. When you have children, there is really no such thing as divorce. And when, on top of that you are business partners (on paper, certainly not in reality) there is a double whammy of, I CANNOT GET RID OF THIS RIDICULOUS WOMAN. And sometimes I think that when he realized that she was in his life to stay, and that she didn’t have his best interests at heart, that he thought with regards to me; well, this mouth I can get rid of.

With her. There is just no excuse. I really hope that I never run into her in public. I don't need that karma.

And I do forgive myself. I see now that due to the tumultuous life I grew up in, chaos of a ridiculous nature is something that I adapt to, and probably end up thinking is my fault, and thus, think I can fix it. Nothing could have fixed my parents. Nothing could fix PF&W.

I really think that I’ve got it now!

So, thank you sis, for bringing me to my senses.

Imagine My Surprise...

Had a really lovely day today. Calm. Sweet. My sister and her wife visited and they brought a delicious lunch.

And a little while after they left, I signed on to the bank account to see what had cleared and determine if I needed to move any money.

And imagine my surprise and delight when there was a deposit in there for $5800.

I guess that means I won!

I spoke to my sister and she expressed some reasons I should not actually send the forgiveness letter. I wasn't sure I agreed with her, that she might be taking things from the past and attributing them when they don't apply to today, but it did give me pause to wait a bit.

I was working on my gratitude journal when it occurred to me that it was all well and good for me to get to a place of forgiveness, but, there were two things.

1) I cannot control how it is received on the other end, and I'd rather not send it than to have it be misconstrued in any way. And..

2) I can forgive him for what he did to me, what he allowed to happen, but I do not under any circumstances condone what he did to my girlfriend, who is the sweetest soul on the planet. That shit right there....he doesn't get a pass for that. With that, there is no blaming the wife.

So. I wish them well. I'm really fucking glad not to have to deal with them anymore. Ever. That is the best feeling yet.

When I read the things that she wrote about that morning, things they both agreed upon...it was so crazy and I felt soooo bad....and  I realized my whole life used to be like that.

Not any more.

I am so grateful for the validation, vindication and that it's finally over.

And Now Folks, For My Next Trick

Today could not have been more perfect.

I've been working really hard at being conscious with my energy, keeping it high. Learning this new trick about staying connected to source as often as possible, and especially when life knocks you on your ass.

And I gotta tell you...Life Changers. It can be pretty easy to do when all things run smoothly. But that's now how life operates, right? As soon as you learn this lesson, just like in school, you get a test. It's how you do on the test that matters, not all the books you've read or things you've tried. It's how you retain, process and practice the information, especially when experiencing "test anxiety".

So two days ago, on the advice of a program that I'm working with, I was strongly advised to write letters of forgiveness. They were the kind of letters that you don't have to send. Hmmm.

And of course, who is at the top of that list? That's right: FP & W.

It was hard at first, but I did it. I was really sincere also. I mean, I wouldn't want to be either of them for a minute, so, yes, I could find compassion and I could find forgiveness.

So, seriously. Just when I finished the letters to FP&W, I put the pad of paper down and opened my computer to find that I'd manifested a $900 program that I really wanted (FOR FREE); that is a financial life changer for me. Shit. I think I cried. And I'm like, Yeah! this works!

So I'm doing Qi Gong, when suddenly this wave of energy comes over me, making me kind of sick and I had to sit down. Since I was sitting down, I opened my computer to find a notice from my lawyer and the FP&W asked for a continuance because they just found out about the hearing and don't have time to prepare. Fuck fuck fuck. FUCK.

Which, translated from "the language of the whore" means she hasn't been paying attention and wasn't looking at her mail. So, seriously, this entire problem here stemmed from the fact that she cannot be bothered to do her job, and everybody else, including the state government should be just rearrange their priorities to suit her. It was the epitome of the whole situation.

I was so upset. Thought I was going to have a heart attack. I had to sit down and write those damn letters again. I did it all over again and got myself back to a good place. And this time I wrote letters to others on that list as well. It was incredibly freeing and I figured out some good stuff doing them.

When I arrive at the lawyers office today she started by saying, I've never seen a continuance NOT be granted when they ask. Like giving me warning to not loose my shit.  I had a few moments, right? But I did that connect to source thing again.....

Lucky for me,  the W isn't really very smart. She admitted that she had received the notification that a hearing was coming up, so seriously, woman, that is your clue to GET YE PREPARED.

So, at the scheduled time of the hearing, the adjudicator calls my attorney to say that she (W) asked, again, for a continuance, because her daughter had an appointment, so she couldn't be there.

(Nothing against the child, she is really lovely, but if you knew how much my working life revolved around that child you would be shocked. So this was really priceless. I used to call her The President of All Things.)

The adjudicator left her a message saying, if it's not medical, then you need to be there by 2pm or we will continue without you.

Which would totally rock for me. I said to my attorney, that if the appointment thing was true, she would have mentioned that the other day when she originally asked for the continuance. It was becoming clear that she wasn't prepared to personally defend all the lies she told and the havoc she wrecked towards innocent people.

Plus, um, the child has two parents. The FP could have easily done the kiddie thing. Right. And the "appointment "wasn't medical, it was school. The kid is 5.

So. 2pm, they call back, and FP is actually on the line. First of all: Gulp. He has admitted that they actually have the paperwork, but that his "staff" hadn't opened the mail in a week. And by staff not opening the mail, he means, this is the reason I'm divorcing the W.

Which, again, means the W didn't look at the mail. DIDN'T LOOK AT THE MAIL. I have to keep saying it over and over because that epitomizes the entire 4.5 years of my experience with them.

So, the adjudicator goes, um, NO, I'm not granting a continuance because your staff didn't open your mail. And you FP can stay on the line or you can go, up to you, but you do not have first hand knowledge of what happened, so you won't be testifying. And FP rang off. Quite gracefully. Thank you thank you thank you. Bye bye, now.

I was so happy. Surreal hearing his voice. And so happy to have him off that phone.

So the entire thing was really whittled down to not complicated at all. I didn't have to say bad things about them, which I wanted more than anything. It's the reason I hired an attorney, so at least bad stuff I'd have to say would be productive. It's not so much to protect them, because frankly, fuck that. But it was for my own integrity. My own karma. I need the Karma Credit!

And I don't know yet if I won, but I believe I may have.

And I am so grateful for these life lessons. I mean, my life will never be the same.

I toyed with the idea of writing a letter of forgiveness. I mean the kind you do send. At first I thought to both of them, but there was no way that any actual letter to her wouldn't have a note of passive/aggressiveness in it, and I don't wont to do that. And I also won't give her the satisfaction. But the truth of the matter is that the W really fucked FP over with this whole thing. I guess that she doesn't want him to have any support at all. And she is not smart enough to see that impacts her income. That thing she is trying so desperately to protect.

I'm sleeping on the forgiveness letter. It would be also a thank you letter. I learned so much from him, and I don't mean the things he teaches. The letter to him would be genuine.

But gotta sleep on that.

I think I should go stand on the scale and see what I weigh with the weight of the world off my shoulders.

Okay, I'm hooked on high energy. Energy Crack.

Today's the day

Going to meditate to stop the strong desire to vomit.

Awesome Coming My Way

It feels really great to know that great things are coming my way.

A dream come true, really.

A lifetime of not caring for myself properly. That life is past me now.

The vision is really cool.

Almost Over

I've been making a crucial error in waiting for it to be over before moving full steam ahead with my life and my plans.

I have recognized this and have taken measures to stop that. What I end up doing or not doing will be the same regardless of how it turns out next week.

In preparation for the legal proceedings next week, I've come to realize just how incredibly ridiculous the False Prophet and the Whore are. Were. They still are, but it no longer affects me. Were.

In the beginning (or the end, depending on how you look at it) I was stunned at the lengths they were going to to hurt me. I really still don't understand it. Besides the fact that they are fucking assholes, it's also the Universe's way of kicking my ass.

But it also doesn't fucking matter. Because ridiculous is ridiculous no matter how you look at it. And the farther away I get the more ridiculous it looks.

My overwhelming emotion about it right now is shame. I am so ashamed of myself for allowing myself to stay in that crazy environment for as long as I did. I wish I'd had the energy at the end of the day to start my future on my own terms. But, that didn't happen.

It's stunning to me that I allowed the dysfunction of my childhood to keep me in place in two of the most ridiculous situations. Knowing I'll never do that again is super empowering.

Most of the people that I've met here are connected to them in one way or another. There are a couple of people that I wish I could keep as friends; they would certainly allow it. But I truly just can't make my heart commit. Maybe I'll feel differently after the legal stuff is done. Right now I don't want anyone to have to monitor their conversations with FP&W. So, on an campaign to make new friends. I'm starting with as many metaphysical folks and lesbianna's as I can find.

I'm feeling quite stuck in my life right now. Really giving into my fears. Not proud of that. The slightest thing can knock me down, and I'm so tired of picking myself back up off the ground, I can't even tell you. I'm working on it, from several different angles, and I know I'll get there. One of the reasons that the compulsion to wait until it's over is because I really just need this to be over. With this dragging out for so long, I don't even know how many times I've had to get over it and over it and over. I'm OVER THAT.

This is what I think. When the bullshit is finally at the end, I'm going to turn into a super-machine moving forward like a locomotive.

This week, I had to take paperwork to my attorney, and I finally read what they wrote and I was back at square one, emotionally speaking. But I also realized what an opportunity this was for me. When you are making personal changes for yourself, one thing is true. The Universe gives you ample opportunity to hone that skill. And all in all, despite everything, I've done pretty well this week. When I tuned into how badly I felt when I read their ridiculous shit, their emotional jumping up and down, their obvious projection of all of their faults onto others, it made me remember: my whole like used to be like that nearly every day.

When the day finally comes, I'm going to just stay connected to the Universal Source, make my energy be as big as I can, and I'm going to be calm and collected. I think that they are going to look ridiculous. That's what I think. I mean to the rest of the people involved, not just me.

So. Keeping it high.

Ph.D in: Does Not Play Well With Others

So. When it comes to the False Prophet, I'm mostly over it. It may not appear so here, however. 

I have to write about this one last time, so that this time the journal entry doesn't stay buried in my computer, or sealed in a box that I've been carrying around for many years, with journals full of my mini-tragedies that will never again see the light of day. 

I'm writing this last bit of purging so that no matter what, I never do that again. 

I worked hard for that man. I thought that on a soul level we had serious work to do together. There was something about his makeup that made that absolutely fucking impossible to do. I didn't want credit for his work, the way many of the sycophants, some of which he calls his closest friends, do wish to take credit for his work or his accomplishments. 

Of course, that shit is just Karma, because he takes credit for other people's work; there are times that it could be excused if he gave credit where credit was due. But there are other times when he was downright delusional and took credit for things that he had just been loosely involved with. Oh, god, the stories he made up to excuse his behavior around that one. 

My dad and I used to laugh and jeer about the idiot bosses we'd worked for in our lives. Truthfully, I started to think that it was US... But when I moved down here and went to work for The Prince of Darkness, I remember calling my dad and saying "Dad, it's really hard working for a genius" and he was all "Shut up" like the fact that he wasn't an idiot made it okay. 

And I tried to make that true. This man took all the fun out of dysfunction. He had a Ph.D in dysfunction. He might have invented dysfunction in another lifetime. 

And what is funny, is that I really did try. I really did. I was confused and mystified the whole time because it seemed like the only things he wanted to trust me with were things were the kinds of things that anyone could do. plunk plunk keyboard phone someone at door do it all over again. But it was pretty rare that he would let me do anything beyond that. 

There were times that I had to wrestle control from the Whore, because, seriously, you can't run a business that has flush summers and sparse winters, and not balance the checkbook for 6-9 months at a time. It caused a huge amount of stress for everyone, the fact we didn't know how much money we had. I finally figured out that she didn't want me to balance the checkbook because she was going to have a hard time explaining why she was buying groceries for her home on the company account. 

Apparently she had some concerns about asking me to do shady bookkeeping shit; he had no problem with that whatsoever. 

But see, this had never happened to me before. I was promoted in every job I ever had except for the time before I moved when I elected to be a small fish/big pond, where promotion was not going to happen. Twice promotions were against my will. 

They could smell the Super Hero on me. And it's true, working for the insurance company  helped me to begin to break the Super Hero Habit. I still worked hard, did a good job, but it was the one job that didn't have Crazy Dysfunction. Twice I was blackmailed into taking promotions that I tried to refuse.

Once I was past the waitress stage and got my first big girl job, it was the pattern. I learned, it I mastered it, I excelled at it, I got promotions that came with even cooler Super Hero outfits. One was sparkly. I tried so hard not to take that promotion, but all of a sudden I was like, ohhh shiny. 

Not with the False Prophet. We had our ups and downs from the very beginning. He worked from home and we only saw each other in those days at events and instead talked on the phone everyday. 

Just like the time I went insane and put a second type of bath soap in the shower and the world almost ended (and, ah, ahem, if that wasn't a NEON freaking SIGN, I don't know what is,) there were signs. There were signs in freaking neon that I totally ignored. 

I remember in the interview with the him, her and She Who Came Before Me,the office manager who was running for the hills, but helping do interviews to replace her. I explained to them that I had a knack for finding the worst case dysfunctional jobs on the planet. I could smell it in the ad, and before I knew what the hell happened, I'd be like, Look They Need Me. 

So I felt I was quite clear that I wasn't looking for that kind of job. And I remember that the three of them quickly exchanged glances. I think that She Who Came Before Me threw up in her mouth a little, and there is just no excuse for what happened next, right?

I can try to blame them all I want, like we humans will do when things are seriously fucked up and we know that we, and we alone are responsible for putting up with that shit but we just can't quite admit it yet. But I know it was my responsibility, or I was a co-creator of all that crazy.

The first event I worked for them, I was quickly solo, with barely any training. And while I'm trying to do sales for the False Prophet, he asked me about a product, one we didn't have so I was unfamiliar with and he just went off on me. In front of customers. While I was handling his money. That's just stupid. 

This is why I don't carry a handgun, because I don't take shit like that from people without somebody going to jail. 

Important is that he put me in a state of PTSD where I was a bumbling idiot for the rest of the day. And then I had to tell him and the Whore: you may never speak to me that way again. He apologized to me the next day, but that's how the whole thing started. 

From the beginning I was like WTF, can't you see I'm a Super Hero. True, I've taken off my shiny costume and I no longer brag about the fact that I have a Ph.D in Multitasking. I still did it, but I stopped letting people expect that of me. 

Anyway, from the very beginning and then periodically I expected to be fired. He used to tell his sycophant closest friend and other friends that he was firing me. I bet at least 5 times I heard this from people; probably more. And when I saw the way he destroyed relationships on a regular basis, I used to laugh thinking I don't understand how I am still here. 

And as I said before, I thought we had work to do together. And at first, I just wanted a paycheck, a job that meant something, and the education that was available there. I paid a lot for this particular education. Because he was a tyrant to work for and I have a big mouth. I stopped listening to my parents and began to question everything when I was 10 years old an my parents stuck their heads in a beer bottle. So we had our ups and downs. 

And then we'd have these good spells, and then the strangest thing happened and I started to talk to him like a friend sometimes. I tried to keep those communications separate from work, like my personal email account. And we shared some shit. I never fooled myself into thinking he was my friend. It's kind of confusing. Maybe there were times I talked to him because he was the only person I knew that was more fucked up than I was.

The end of the week before I got fired, he answered an email to my personal email box where I was talking about some of the crazeeee shit that happened surrounding my dad's death. He told me that I was an amazing person. He said I was more self-aware and insightful than most people he knew. I laughed to myself wondering if he was out-sourcing his inbox, cuz that was pretty nice shit for someone to say and especially for him. He only complimented people he was about to seriously USE.

And then over the weekend when my move was finally taking place, the most fucked up move ever in the history of the world, the Whore, in a hurry to complete some task at the last minute, completely NUKED the accounting system at work. I mean made it go away. In a way it could not be restored. And I was supposed to stop what I was doing because she was paying a babysitter. I was paying movers.

And I put up with enough shit from this woman and I was still in fresh grief. All my shit is in boxes in a very get the fuck out of here now kind of way because I'd had to be out of town because of dad. And I just wasn't going to stop what I was doing to put up with her bullshit. She called my phone and texted me so many times I finally called her and told her to stop. 

In all that time, I'd never seen her angry, but shit this seemed to do the trick and she engineered my demise over the weekend in an effort to take the glaring spotlight off of what a dumb bitch she was. She was livid because of how much she had spent in childcare and she couldn't do her job, as if this was my fault. She cared more about that fact than the fact she had WMD's her businesses financial and sales records. 

I considered leaving a couple times. In the end, I decided that I could not walk away. Slap slap slap slap slap. I felt I had a reason for being there, and I didn't know how to tell when I was done. 

And I now have the answer to that. When they escort you to the door. That's when you're done. 

It wasn't so much that he fired me, it was the way he did it. It was the timing. It was the fact that things between him and I were as okay as they'd ever been. It was the fact that instead of just saying, this isn't working anymore (no shit, huh?) he became incredibly cruel about it. He got so bad that the Whore actually had to tell him to shut up, and she was the engineer of this train wreck. 

I was surprised he was so cruel. I was shocked that he took personal things I had shared and used them against me in that venue. 

I shouldn't have been shocked, but I was. And that will be the dumbest thing I say out loud today, because I watched him do it over and over to his friends. Dash people to the ground to hear the breaky glass noise and spin a story to cover his conscious. 


I never met two more ridiculous people in my life. And I'm more happy to be rid of them than I can even express in words. For someone who teaches about Karma, that was all pretty fucked up. From start to finish. 

I sometimes feel badly for the people who have him on this pedestal. If his customers/students knew what he was really like, a cruel, low energy, pot smoking, violent tv watching, evil son of a bitch they would all just die. I had my moments when I toyed with the idea of telling them all, but I pay attention to Karma, and it was a fun thought, but nothing more. There was no way I was going to stoop to that level. 

The only revenge I'll have is revenge I'd rather not have. Because I had to appeal my unemployment insurance, I'm now forced to say bad shit about him in front of people. I hired a lawyer that I could not afford, just so that I could know that anything bad I had to say had a purpose, defending myself, and that I wasn't just spewing bullshit. Because I could go on for days and days and day. 

Sometimes I wonder if my dad, freshly an angel who was probably watching this had a hand in the abrupt and crazy end. I kind of hope so. Because the fact remains that I excused and tried to explain away a lot of behavior of the False Prophet. And I learned to do that beginning with my parents. 

I spent a lot of years making excuses for them, for the crazy shit they did, together and on their own. I had a Ph.D in making excuses for irresponsible emotionally damaged crazy people. And I had a closet full of really cute super hero costumes. 

And just like with the Crazy Bitch who couldn't handle more than one type of soap in the shower, and yes, I made lots and lots of excuses for her also, I have to never, ever do that again. 

So. As God is my witness, I  will never be hungry again! 
Yes, I just went all Scarlett O'Hara on your ass.

So Long False Prophet

I've had many names for my ex-bosses from day 1 until, um, today. And I've made more progress with him, who I shall refer to as The False Prophet, and less progress for her, who I still think of as The Whore. 

The last 1.5 years I worked for them, although she was a full partner in the business on paper, she did virtually nothing in actuality and what she did she did poorly and at the last minute. She'd had her second child 6 months prior to THE END, (and totally makes Rocket Science out of Parenting) so essentially all she accomplished in all that time was on her back. Thus the name. And that right there...that is the last bit of energy I am giving that poor example of womankind. The worst kind of woman who will stab another in the back for her own survival. Exactly what's wrong with women, is their history together. 

The False Prophet. There are so many things that I am actually grateful for regarding him. I got an education there in stuff I was really interested in that I simply could not have gotten anywhere else. And I got paid while I learned this stuff, also. There were so many times when I saw myself in him, but never in any of his better qualities. Those were times when I had to hide all the sharp objects should I have the urge to empale myself on the letter opener. It WAS a purple letter opener. I could hear my friends and family "she decided to end it all with her purple letter opener". Sniff sniff. 

The False Prophet. He really is a man that deserves compassion; but holy fuck does he ever make that shit hard. He is a brilliant man, but a despicable human being. The things I despise him for the most, he did to other people, not me...

The False Prophet. Claims that he doesn't think of himself as a guru, or any kind of spiritual leader, but as a former employee once told me, in her elderly, southern accent, "I believe that he has grown into it."

The False Prophet. Teaches people about spirituality, and energy, and resonance and yet is the most low energy person I have ever met. Rarely walked his talk. The Whore claimed that he has Aspergers. The Ass part I buy, but if he has Aspergers, he only has it with women. He kowtows to men and thinks nothing of unloading on women, the whole time making them the party at fault, spinning elaborate falsehoods laced with truth to excuse his inexcusable. I know that there is something wrong with him. I've often wondered if he had multiple personalities and when I first started working there, they had an unusual amount of books on schizophrenia, which didn't really fit into any of the categories of books we sold. I don't care anymore what the reason is for him being an evil son-of-a-bitch; it just doesn't matter. 

The False Prophet. Adored by hundreds who are all virtual strangers. It's one of the most sickening things I've ever seen, but you know what? They hired me because I was discerning, and in the woo woo world in which we worked, that was important. And I never lost that. I think that I can now recognize signs of False Prophethood a little bit better than before. 

Now, you know the way that people will sometimes repeat the same mistakes in a relationship over and over? In the past, I have done that with jobs. I started working when I was 14, and my home life was very tumultuous, to say the least. Actually, it was fucking crazy. For example, when my parents got divorced, no one got the kids. My mom went to live with relatives and my dad found a new family and stopped coming home THE DAY I got my drivers license. I mean, if in the end, the best solution was to leave the kids on their own in a house in the country while the parental units go off to reset themselves, I mean that says a lot. 

My first job was as a Super Hero. Didn't know you could get paid for that? Yup. And not only did I hone my Super Hero skills to perfection, but they loved me in a way I had never been loved before. They started my addiction to External Validation. Yup. Mainlined that shit. For the next 40 years. That's a long time to have an addiction!

So, the best news is that no matter what, I will never work to fulfill someone else's dreams ever again. If I take a job again, it will be as a temporary means to an end. 

Part of the hard work is discovering who I am and what I really stand for.  When I pull the curtain back on all the instant gratification I got making my past employers dreams come true -- all the while ignoring or never cultivating my own dreams, I kind of don't know who I am. No longer being defined by the job I do means I have some passion to find!

I guess I'm better equipped now, more than any other time of my life, to unearth that secret of exactly -- WHO AM I?

The Beginning of Time

Ha. 

I have so many journals, over several decades that started out with a title very similar to this one where I feel as though I'm starting over, usually due to some life event(s). I usually don't even mention the event(s), as though, at the time I thought I'd never forget, and I came to realize that it doesn't really matter. The point is that I've had the same essential problems I've had for decades. Different people, different places, sure, but as Tanya Tuckers says you Can't Run From Yourself. 

Yup, no matter where I go, there I am....

This one is the Mother of life changing events, it seems. Like the Universe really wanted to bitch slap me my attention  because the one thing that I have proven is that I can ignore the completely obvious. For really long periods of time. Any one of these events happening individually would have been challenging, but the series of events were a lot for me. But here I am on the other side, better than ever but a work in progress. (And facing the fact that it will always be this way.) Still taking baby steps, but just about ready to let go of the coffee table and hurl myself towards the next piece of furniture to grab on to. 

Because it's not a story I'm clinging to anymore, the series of events, minus most of the gory details were as such: 

I was in the middle of moving...

When my dad got ill.

My dad died.

My first full day back to work after this I got fired. 

Then the day my mom went into the hospital for the final time...

I found out that my ex-employers were fighting my unemployment.

My mom died. 

On the two month anniversary of the death of my mother:

My ex-bosses fired my partner. 

You know, I started to actually go through the details about each and every thing that happened here, but true progress is evident in that I don't even want to give any of them energy. Maybe someday for my memoirs, but not today. That's big!

I've realized so many things about myself during this period of time; it's been 4.5 months since The Rest Of My Life got put into motion. 

There have been some things that I have had to realize about myself over and over again during my almost 55 years. The truth is that I'm thankful that some of these events happened, just like they have unfolded. There have been moments when I wanted to say: Thanks Universe for all the life lessons and shit, but I really could have done without all the pain. 

But unfortunately, that's just not true!

The truth is that I've put up with ridiculous amounts of pain in my lifetime, even during times when I thought I'd reached this more enlightened state. Bahahaha. If you only knew!

At the end of 2006, I left a 12 year relationship that I knew was wrong in the first month. Go ahead, try to top that bit of stupid! 

(That first month there was a major melt-down-freak-out because when I moved in...I'd brought another type of soap into the shower. BECAUSE THE WORLD WILL END WITH 2 TYPES OF SOAP IN THERE. I did not know this.) I'd never taken this kind of crap in a relationship before. Have a man cross my very clear lines and he was history. But this was my first relationship with a woman and I was completely ill-equipped. I have no excuse for this except that a Super Hero always believes she can change things. I was a tights-wearing, cape-bearing Super Hero at the time, and I hadn't begun to realize the error of my ways. By the end of that relationship, I revoked my own Super Hero degree; and that Super Hero outfit? I burned that motherfucker up.

At the time that relationship ended, I really started to embark on a more holistic path, really trying to understand my brain and all its silly antics. I was actually getting pretty good at keeping my energy high and being positive. It was a journey, a little side trip. 

I relocated to NC where my sister lived, and nothing turned out the way I thought it would. 

The last time my energy was consistently high was July of 2008. That was the month that I went to work for the ex-boss and his ridiculous soon-to-be-ex-wife.